Things You Should Not Do In The Self-Checkout Lane

1. Alcohol purchases are verboten. The rest of the line should not have to wait while the matronly Jewel worker comes over to check your ID. End of story.
2. Coupons. I curse the the managers who sat in the meeting who decided that the code readers should process coupons. You have ten items and ten coupons, that's twenty items, folks. A UPC read is an item.
3. Bring more than the allotted number of items to the lane. Just because a store employee isn't there to scold you doesn't mean you should get away with it. I hope your asparagus rots and your chicken gives you salmonella.
4. Get to the front of the line only to discover you have absolutely no clue as to how the machinery works. Ask beforehand. Take a class. Do whatever it takes, but don't get to the front and gaze at the screen with that blank look on your face.
5. Wait until it's your turn and then start fumbling for your wallet, credit card, change, keys, whatever. In the same vein, don't get all the way to the end of your transaction and then stare at the receipt as if you are trying to figure out a tip. It's over. Whatever you rang up, you agreed to. If not, take it up with an employee, but by all means, get the hell out of the way.
6. Leave your little hand basket on the conveyor. I am not your busboy.
7. Let your three kids start fighting over who presses the buttons before I am done checking out. Your kids have computers and game systems out the wazoo, but for some reason they are fascinated with the machine that checks out your groceries. Did you just walk in from the 18th century?

I feel a lot better now.